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| Addendum |
| 02.20.04 (9:35 pm) [edit] |
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I fuigured out that when the nurse told me that I needed to have someone come with me to the hospital for the surgery and drive me home afterwards, I told her that there was no one. She told me that I HAD to have someone, I kept teling her that there was no one and then I realized how sad that was. Here I am about to go into surgery, minor as it is, and there is no one to be with me. I am goin g to have to call Mike from Houston to drive al of that way to get up here just to be with me. A year up here and I only have Mike not even anyone else from Houston because I have disconnected form them. How depressing is that? GOD!!!!!!!!!!
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| Feelings go WHOOSH!!!! |
| 02.20.04 (9:17 pm) [edit] |
:cry:
Wow, what a week it has been! The weather has even been very representative of it. It started out snowing and now it is almost shorts weather. In fact, we had to turn on the air conditioner units at the office today!
Well, my emotions have been about as erratic. I started out positive and getting better. However, I started down this spiral sometime over the last couple of days. I finally did a hard core crash today. Not sure why at all. All that I know is that I want to cry and go hide away from the rest of the planet. I feel hurt and sad and I do not know why. I have literally been holding back tears today. I know that it does not help that my bills are so screwed up right now. In fact, I am going to have to choose which ones not to pay this week. I am not sure how I got here, but I did. Anyway, I will get out of it somehow...I always do.
As far as this last week goes, let me start from the beginning. It started off with last weekend where I left off. I did end up going to Dallas and not to Houston. It was a hard decision to make and even harder to tell Mike, but I felt that it was the right decision to make. It was really hard for him to understand at first and he was really offended and upset, which I was prepared to deal with. Luckily, he gave me the benefit of the doubt and things started moving very quickly for him. By the end of the day (Saturday) it was quite clear that God meant for things to work out just the way that they did. By the end of it all, the job situation worked out for the best as it could in his favor, his parents actuaally supported him leaving the company and he got even closer to God. Another thing that happened that I was glad to see and also knew that needed to happen was that he learned to stand on his own a bit more, to make decisions by himself and trust in his own judgement and abilities. That is what I have wanted for him from the very beginning and I am glad to see it happening. He is doing such a great job.
So, that part out of the way, I went to Dallas and spent it with my friend Jeff and his wife. It was really great of them to invite me up on Valentine's Day, ya know, a day that should be just for them, but they shared it and their home with me. That made me feel really special. Anyway, that evening we went out to this English pub where a friend of theirs was DJ'ing 80's music. Lucky for us we got to sit upstairs in the VIP room. Well, right after getting there, Jeff introduces me to a friend of his by the name of Chris. Chris looks at me and asks me my full name again, I tell him and then he says, "you do not remember me do you?" I am thinking, "oh my God!". Anyway, turns out that we were childhood friends up in East Texas when he was like 6 or 7 and I was like 11 or so. It was freaky. We had not seen each other in so many years. I used to go over to his grandmothers' house every Sunday to get part of their dinner after they were done. It was so great being able to talk about her with him ( she passed away years ago). Actually she was his great-grandmother and she lived right down the street form my great-grandmother (who is still alive). Well, our conversation pretty much dominated the evening. Jeff said that was fine and his wife got drunk, started throwing up and we had to leave. I still need to e-mail or call Chris. The next day they did not get up until mid-afternoon, I was awake at 7 am, so I just watched TV until they got up. After that we visited for a bit and then I left.
Since it was Sunday and I would arrive in East Texas around 7pm, I decided to go to Tyler and have Sunday dinner at Sans'. Also there was a situation going on in my life, the one that i have been mentioning, that I wanted to discuss with him. I had already come to my conclusions, but I wanted another take on it nevertheless. Anyway, I did get there and we had stew. Jeff, Sans' new boyfriend made it. It was pretty good. I enjoyed it, even though I was not very hungry. Finally I go around to talking to Sans. It seemed that he already knew about my situation as it was more obvious that I thought it to be. And he took it upon himself to speak with that person, non-specifically, about me and the possibility of a relationship, etc. and the response was as I assumed it would be, with as little bending as I expected. I did not mind him butting in, it was nice that he was concerned for me and wanted to help clear the air for me. I appreciated it. However, I let myself get wrapped up pretty quickly, not sure why and now I am concerned that there were some bad financial decisions that I made based on emotional reaction and I hope that they do not come to bite me as I can not afford for them to. I am having a tough enough time as it is now. Much more so than most people would realize. Well, hopefully he is a good enough person to recognize what kind of limb I put myself on and does the right thing.
On to the rest of the week. I saw my therapist a couple of times this week. I was supposed to see her a third time today, but I forgot and missed the appointment. She did hypnosis on Tuesday to get me to quit smoking and it has been working, but I did break down and buy a pack of cigarettes a while ago. I guess that I just got stressed and really depressed.... Anyway!!
Wednesday I had my last two wisdom teeth pulled. So much for my smarts!!! Hehehe. My insurance is changing on the first of March, so I am trying to get everything out of the way now before it all gets alot more expensive. Next Friday I go in for some minor surgery. Not a big deal, but my first surgery ever. I will have to think of a good reason to disappear for a few days, I really do not want anyone to know about it. Not that anyone really notices when I disappear for a few days anyway. :cry:
I do not know what to do with myself this weekend. I have not even a penny to spend, hell I have to come up with a lot of money!!! I do not want to do anything, but I do not want to NOT do anything.....Does that make sense? I think I may just actually keep taking sleeping and pain pills so that I can sleep through the weekend and ignore it. Sounds good to me!
Other that, there is not a whole lot going on...hehehe Isn't that all enough? I do not know. I guess that I just feel alone. Sometimes it gets to me more than other times. Right now is one of those times. I feel completely disconnected from everything. I feel like I am suffocating, like the entire world is passing me by. Like I have given up my rights to be a part of it. Like I will somehow never again be a part of it. Forever watching from the sidelines or through the glass. Able to see it all, but to never touch again. It causes the severest of pains inside of me. Twisting like a knife. Breathless like I have been running for a hundred miles. Yet all that I do is sit here in front of this computer, write, download and stare. How pathetic is that? At what point did I start becoming such a small and insignificant part of life. I mean, I realize that I am a big part of Mike's life, but the point is for him to go out and get a life of his own, I want him to, that is the design. I just want to know who else I am supposed to meet here. I meet people, but no one that I really want to get close to. The ones that I think that I do, I am wrong about. I just feel so alone. I miss Houston and my friends SOOOOO badly. It is times like these that I would move back in a heartbeat.
Well, enough whining. I guess that I should end another of these long blogs. I want to write a poem or something creative, but I am not sure what to say. I feel something, but then I do not. Maybe I will let it just sit here for a bit and see what comes to mind. Until next time, thanks for hearing me out my audience none. My viewer ship of all.
Darkness falls upon my dreams
and despair upon my soul
There looms upon the fettered schemes
a bitterness of droll
I have inside a magic guide
that leads me to this place
Of war-torn hopes and bitter ends
and all other things mis-placed
I try too hard to be a part
of life and all its hope
And here I land upon the moon
feeling like some joke
Tell me please there is some chance
Some hope for life and love
I knew it once, I knew it well
But since it's been so rough
I have not failed in of my tasks
or promises to fulfill those lives
of those around, that have not felt
yet of me I feel strife
How fair it then that I bring life
To those that have lived death
And now I give all that I have
And I should lose my breath?
I want to breath and feel the sun
I want to hear the wind
I want to know that I am loved
That I can live again.....
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| Reflection Runs Deep |
| 02.14.04 (6:34 am) [edit] |
So, I have been thinking alot this week about the situation. I have come to realize that I am creating a bad situation for myself and am going to need to pull back a bit. Yes, the feeling is nice, but not worth the potentials dangers that it has.
For instance, it is in my nature to do nice things for people, it always has been. Not for any underhanded reason. I just like to do for people. It makes me feel good. I am sure that it is some for of over-compensation or something, but I'll let my therapist deal with that...haha!!! Anyway, this week I have been a bit too giving and attentive. Which, if there were a mutual interest and other things going on and forward, would be no problem. However, this is just a one sided situation and I realize that I am probably on the verge of coming across in the VERY opposite way that I want to. So, I am just sort of going to drop it all. This week was just a result of me feeling good and getting caught up in a feeling great emotional whirlwind, and I let myself get carried away. At least I see it now before it does too much damage to the friendship, if it has not already.
But, I will say it one last time, I wish that so many things were different. Something about him ignited a spark in me that has been out for so very long. after taking a 3 year sabbaticle from sex, people and relationships, I realize that I want to be in love and with someone again. After all of the hope that I thought was gone, I DO believe in love. After working through alot of these things that I have over the last year, I realize that I do still very much have the capacity for love and, like my friend, want to spend it with one person for the rest of my life. I always did. It was just that the relationships that I would get in, people were never ready and they gave up too easily. When hard times hit and the fun was over, so was the "love". That hurts. Especially because when I love, I love so deeply and completely. I feel it inside of me like a child waiting to be born. Yearning to come out and live and breathe. It is not the sex that I am after. Not that I have any problem with that! But I want the closeness. The times of holding someone from behind and watching it snow on a day like today. Sitting in silence as we both read a book, knowing that we are both there without a word needing to be said. Deep conversations that test, educate and strenghten our boundaries of understanding. Simple things like a look, a touch or a head resting on one's shoulder.
The scary part for me is that my chances severly have decreased since I am up here now. There are so many fewer people in which the choices lie. Also, in my age range people are most typically jaded and hardened in some way. Yes, I was as well. But i have made so many efforts to realize it and see it happening and I refused to let it take me over. That is why I started on the journey over a year ago to change things and reverse the jaded process. I knew it could be done. I knew that I was strong enough to do it, and I have...mostly. I am almost there. I just have some self-esteem things to finish up on, but they are coming along quickly. However, this ability of self-realization and commitment to make such a metamorphic change in this course of one's life is quite uncommon and most give in to what the see as "the way that their life is" and THAT is what decreases my chances. So, that is why I typically llike guys younger than me. It is their ability to think outside of the box, to challenge the structures around them, the lack of history and time to be jaded and hurt by. Of course, that seems to be a problem on my side, obviously. Stupid age thing. But at my age what are my alternatives around here? Steven? Good Lord!!!
But it is not age. I am not locked into that. My last ex was older than me. Unfortunately, he had issues about being gay that I found out about later on that tore the relationship to shreds. It has taken me awhile to get over Ale, but I finally am. I honestly did put everything into that, which I usually do. People have told me that I give too much in relationships. That I let myself get too attached. Is there such a thing? I mean, if you are in a realationship and want and plan to be for the rest of your lives, is there such thing as giving too much, trying too hard, loving too much or getting too attached? I can not for the life of me see how that is possible. If two people are actually on the same page then it is all or nothing. Yes, I gave all and they did not and I got terribly hurt. However, I would much rather give all and be failed and hurt than not give or love enough and fail another that may have been "The One". It is, to me, an acceptable risk.
Well, this is where I need to decide what to do today. Do I go to Houston, go to Tyler or go to Dallas? Hmmm... Tyler I think that I need to stay away from for a bit...just a feeling that I get. Houston, well I am just not wanting to go. I know that Mike has asked me to come to be there for him at this time of need, but he keeps trying to use guilt to get me to do it and I take a lot of exception to that. Dallas, my friend Jeff and his wife have invited me up for the weekend. The will treat me out for drinks, dinner and a night out. not a bad offer. One that I do not get very often!! Maybe I will let it just be a coin toss..... But I will probably end up in Houston because there is someone that needs me. Even though I think they need to go through some of what is going on with the tools at hand and by themselves because they use me too much as a crutch, I will still go I am sure. I just would like to have ONE good Valentine in my life. Every year I am either single, going through a breakup or something! I was hoping that this year would be different. Ah well....
Well kiddos, I shall depart from my ramblings to the unknown world. I thank you for being here, my blank audience.
In departure I bleed
With the tears of pain
And knowing sweet sorrow
Will bring me again
For purpose is galliant
In the heart of my chest
And love is the goal
That I hope to arrest
But in the short days
And long nights I await
I pray for you sweet love
Arrive not soon, but here safe
-Michael Lucius
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| Day one |
| 02.10.04 (6:01 pm) [edit] |
So, here I go into the downward spiral. Finally having only the privacy of the internet watching me to confess to. With a mouth that never quits, I say little sometimes. Is it fear? Fear of what? Rejection? Who isn't. Also, I have gotten enough of it to last a lifetime. However, I do not want to predicate this post and blog with negativity. It is not for that purpose.
I have many people in my life and I feel comfortable being 100% with any of them. Right now my mind flirts with the idea of interest in someone that I know. But I also know that they have no interest in return. I guess that is why it is safe for me to feel this way. HA! Seems either someone that is completely not what I am looking for attracts themselves to me or I attract to someone that I am, for whatever reasons, not good enough, not young enough, not skinny enough, or....... Yes, let us get this out of the way, I have Psoriasis. It is the worst thing that ever happened to me. I did not ask for it, it just sort of arrived one day as a present. It has kept me in a cycle of self-containment for years and for good reason. It keeps me single, I am sure. It is not the "thing" to have being gay. Not in an environment where what is only skin deep is what truly matters, no matter what people say. Skin deep....that saying is such a double-edged sword for me. Anyway, enough whining about that. I have so much more to whine about.
Next whine! So, there is this friend of mine that I have this thing for, I think. I mean, I have been around the block. Lord knows I saw them build the damn thing! Either way, I did not realize it until recently. Actually, not true. I did know it, but we were not that close no matter how hard I tried. Finally, I said something about it and we started getting close. Now that we are getting close and developing a relationship, I realize that he is one of the most interesting people that I have known in a very long time. He has a certain 'je ne sais quoi'. I am also concerned that I am going to mess up an actual friendship because of it. In order to have the friendship the way that it needs to be in balance, I need to be not developing feelings. I am sure that I could force it to stop if I wanted, but I don't. It has been so many years since I have actually had that little excitement going on inside when I am around someone. Yeah, yeah, I sound like a schoolgirl. But, hey I kinda feel like it and it is nice for a change.
Of course there is a downside to all of this. He is not interested. If for no other reason, I know that he has this strict age barrier that he goes by and I, well, miss it by a decade.
It is tough though, sitting there at coffee or wherever and listening to him talk about his thoughts on love (same as mine) and how much he wants to have someone that loves him and to love (so do I) and see the pain in his face. It makes me cry and I don't normally. To know that he feels all of this, that I feel all of this, and that I am invisible and will remain so. Tough to swallow. For now, I will allow myself this torch song affair. I feel more alive than I have in years and even though it is all for seemingly nothing, I shall keep it. Even it is is only to myself. Oh and of course the rest of the planet here.....
Here I am, I'm in the wrong bed again
It's a game I just can't win
There you are breathin' soft on my skin
Still you won't let me in
Why save your kisses for a rainy day
Babe let the moment take your heart away
Have you ever needed someone so bad, yeah
Have you ever wanted someone
You just couldn't have
Did you ever try so hard
That your world just fell apart
Have you ever needed someone so bad
And you're the girl I gotta have
I gotta have you baby
There you go, midnight promises again
But they're broken by the dawn
You wanna go further, faster everyday babe
But in the morning you'll be gone
And I'm alone
Why save your kisses for a rainy day
Babe let the moment take your heart away
Have you ever needed someone so bad, yeah
Have you ever wanted someone
You just couldn't have
Did you ever try so hard
That your world just fell apart
Have you ever needed someone so bad
And you're the girl I gotta have
I gotta have you baby
Every dream I dream is like
Some kinda rash 'n' reckless scene
To give out such crazy love
You must be some kinda drug
And if my time don't ever come
For me you're still the one
Damned if I don't, damned if I do
I gotta get a fix on you
Why save your kisses for a rainy day
Babe let the moment take your heart away
Have you ever needed someone so bad, yeah
Have you ever wanted someone
You just couldn't have
Did you ever try so hard
That your world just fell apart
Have you ever needed someone so bad
And you're the girl I gotta have
I gotta have you baby
-Def Leppard
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